So I have missed a few days since the last time I wrote a blog. Some things came up that had my nerves shot. But I am now doing ok. Well as close to ok as possible. Been trying to hit the gym more so that I can get my mind off of the things going on in my life so far and doing some adoption research as well online. I am trying to keep my spirits up though and trying to look at the brighter side of things. Not an easy task if I may say, but a task that I need to keep doing; prevents me from going stir crazy I guess (laughing).
So things haven't really changed at all since I last posted. Only thing that changed was my waist size. I got all the clothes that don't fit me any more and put them in a bag to be donated to the homeless shelters. I am happy about that though, I can honestly say.
This relationship has taken a toll on me so far and I am doing my best to try to fix it, but at the same time...why fix something that keeps breaking and losing pieces each time it breaks? Pretty soon there will be no pieces left to put together to make it whole or as close to whole as it once was. I am even ashamed to say that I went furniture window shopping a few times just to see what it would cost me to furnish a place of my own. I was shocked to find out that it would cost me less then $2k to do so, but that just the bedroom, dinning room and living room. That is not including the kitchen or the bathroom. So with that said and done I am going to try to put some money to the side and save here and there till I can get close enough to the $2k not to mention the rent on places which I haven't yet gone to check out what some places are going for.
Right now I don't really even know what to write anymore until the day things change for the better. So until then I just going to write when I can and go from there.
Sincerely,
Mister M
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 9
So last night my partner had to go do a run for work, so I ended up staying home due to my body felt sore from the gym. Now mind you, I was home writing on the previous blog about how it was our 1 year anniversary. Now neither he or I said one word to each other on about this special occasion.
Upon his return he tosses me a bag. I could see it had cookies in it. I figured he wanted sweets so he bought it for both of us. When I opened the bag not only was there a bag of chocolate chip cookies, but a card as well say, "Happy 1 year" on it. I got up and thanked him and gave him a kiss. And I in returned said Happy 1 year anniversary to him. I read the card and it was very touching and sweet. Now in the back of my mind I was thinking. Why cookies? In the year that we have been together I have given him roses, teddy bears, love you card, left notes in his car with him even knowing till he went to work the next day.
So I can not say it was the best anniversary that I have had....EVER.
Sincerely,
Mister M
Upon his return he tosses me a bag. I could see it had cookies in it. I figured he wanted sweets so he bought it for both of us. When I opened the bag not only was there a bag of chocolate chip cookies, but a card as well say, "Happy 1 year" on it. I got up and thanked him and gave him a kiss. And I in returned said Happy 1 year anniversary to him. I read the card and it was very touching and sweet. Now in the back of my mind I was thinking. Why cookies? In the year that we have been together I have given him roses, teddy bears, love you card, left notes in his car with him even knowing till he went to work the next day.
So I can not say it was the best anniversary that I have had....EVER.
Sincerely,
Mister M
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 8
So today is a what I would say is a big day and though the day is not over yet I will not be the first to mention it to my partner. Today is 1 year that we have been together. Since he has walked in I have not been told Happy Anniversary. As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I am no longer supplying the roses, massages, etc. This is all him at this point. Today I woke up with a smile on my face and happiness of a very fond memory that I am holding on to that happened about a week to two weeks ago. I went to to run my errands that I needed to do this morning, but not before I read one chapter of Joel Osteen, "I Declare, 31 Promises to Speak Over Your Life", as it states that one should read only once chapter a day so to go through all 31 days in a month. So at this time in my life I know now what is going to happen and am just buying time to do so. I know that may be a wrong thing to do, but due to certain circumstances I must do it this way, if not I would already be out and starting on my road to happiness.
I made a promise not only to myself but to my mother; May she rest in peace; to be a father and to raise my son with the traditions and skills that my mother taught to me. I now refuse to just be in a relationship that happiness only revolves around one and not both people. In a relationship, both should be each other pillars in all aspects of the relationship to make that pillar into an indestructible Pantheon. But this relationship I feel barely even has the base made to support such a structure. So since he is not able to make me happy, I've come to the conclusion that I must make myself happy. Its sad, but true.
I went to the gym this morning and did my run and afterward I hit the sauna to sweat out some more. Afterward showered and came back home and rested and thought of all the new things that I would like to do when I move out in my own place. I am hoping that I will be able to paint a wall a different accent if not I will work around it. I am even hoping that one of the walls is a brick wall. I would love a loft, but will need to know if it was be affordable at the time of the move.
In 2 days I am going to follow up on an agency to see if they will be having a booth at the event this weekend. I am hoping that they will be there so that I can get as much information as possible before the streets start to close.
And if after sometime I meet a special someone that will make me happy, I will make sure not to do the same mistake that I have done in all my past relationship. The next relationship I will make sure that it consist of both people committing to each other equally so that one does not feel that one is doing more then the other.
I see only positive things now happening in my life and I am starting to feel the seed of happiness starting to take root with in myself. The road is opening up to me and my destination is just over the horizon.
I made a promise not only to myself but to my mother; May she rest in peace; to be a father and to raise my son with the traditions and skills that my mother taught to me. I now refuse to just be in a relationship that happiness only revolves around one and not both people. In a relationship, both should be each other pillars in all aspects of the relationship to make that pillar into an indestructible Pantheon. But this relationship I feel barely even has the base made to support such a structure. So since he is not able to make me happy, I've come to the conclusion that I must make myself happy. Its sad, but true.
I went to the gym this morning and did my run and afterward I hit the sauna to sweat out some more. Afterward showered and came back home and rested and thought of all the new things that I would like to do when I move out in my own place. I am hoping that I will be able to paint a wall a different accent if not I will work around it. I am even hoping that one of the walls is a brick wall. I would love a loft, but will need to know if it was be affordable at the time of the move.
In 2 days I am going to follow up on an agency to see if they will be having a booth at the event this weekend. I am hoping that they will be there so that I can get as much information as possible before the streets start to close.
And if after sometime I meet a special someone that will make me happy, I will make sure not to do the same mistake that I have done in all my past relationship. The next relationship I will make sure that it consist of both people committing to each other equally so that one does not feel that one is doing more then the other.
I see only positive things now happening in my life and I am starting to feel the seed of happiness starting to take root with in myself. The road is opening up to me and my destination is just over the horizon.
Sincerely,
Mister M
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 7
So it's official. DOMA lost the votes 5-4. This is just one step closer to equality. Now that this has happened it has opened up another can of worms in my relationship. My partner came home and as I figured he had to say something about the matter. I had my opinions and he had his. Yet in the throwing of opinions to each other I could still see that the matter of marriage did not matter much to him. On that subject as quickly as it came up it dispersed into the air.
Yesterday I mentioned the matter of adoption and how I was about to go get a pamphlet on the matter of adoption. In doing so I noticed his facial expression change as though it was another thing that he had to deal with and not in a good way. So I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do this relationship is rooted in one way and no matter what the tree above the roots will not bend or twist to any other ideas blown its way. I have made the decision to move out once I have obtained enough funds to do so. I believe that my happiness needs to be replanted and regrown with the love that I once had for myself. This unhappiness that I have gotten to know with in the last few months has made me think of all the things that I have done wrong in this relationship. My fault in this relationship is loving to much and putting my happiness in a box in the closet when I should have had it open to grow.
Though I may not have children at this time, I fight for the child that I do not have, but will have soon. And after I have learned to be happy with myself one day I will be able to find a love that will make me just as happy as I do him and hear bells ring.
To Equality!!!
Yesterday I mentioned the matter of adoption and how I was about to go get a pamphlet on the matter of adoption. In doing so I noticed his facial expression change as though it was another thing that he had to deal with and not in a good way. So I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do this relationship is rooted in one way and no matter what the tree above the roots will not bend or twist to any other ideas blown its way. I have made the decision to move out once I have obtained enough funds to do so. I believe that my happiness needs to be replanted and regrown with the love that I once had for myself. This unhappiness that I have gotten to know with in the last few months has made me think of all the things that I have done wrong in this relationship. My fault in this relationship is loving to much and putting my happiness in a box in the closet when I should have had it open to grow.
Though I may not have children at this time, I fight for the child that I do not have, but will have soon. And after I have learned to be happy with myself one day I will be able to find a love that will make me just as happy as I do him and hear bells ring.
To Equality!!!
Sincerely,
Mister M
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 6 (To trinogamous or not to trinogamous?)
Its funny how memory just pops up into ones head about certain conversations that one has had with there other half. So I already spoken in the previous blogs about the whole marriage thing and that I am now going to working on the adoption part of my life. It came to me about a conversation that we had about a month ago, and I can still remember his facial expression on this one.
The conversation was basically about a couple that he has known and has been there for him on his ups and downs in his past relationships. I had come to notice some things about this certain couple when I would be on Facebook. I didn't think much of it at first, but it started to dawn on me that the couple had taken on a third into the relationship. I am not one to judge on what you want to do in your relationship. Some like to have that relationship which I come to find out it is called a trinogamous. Well my partner came home one day after work as usual and advised me of the couples change in relationship status. My partner advised me previously that they have been having issues in trust so that is why they opened their relationship and added one more. I told him that I somewhat knew, but was not sure 100%. The whole time he was tell me his facial expressions where daunting to me. I quickly went to go on to tell him that I would never do such a thing in a relationship or want that in a relationship in any shape or form. To my surprise my partner had stated that he can not say, never, because who knows down the line it may happen. Right then and there I felt as though I had been sucker punched in the stomach. It was hard for me to finish eating the dinner I had made that night. Throughout the night I wondered how long since he has found out of his friends new found love in a trinogamous relationship did he start to think that maybe down the line he would want one as well? I have and always think of myself as a one man only relationship. It should be enough that 2 people are in the same relationship with each other and not have to think of bringing in a third. I mean really??? If that is the case why not stay single and live the stereotyped name of what everyone one has said about gay men? I don't know I don't want that in my life. I want that happiness that comes from being with one person and ONE PERSON ONLY.
So my question goes out to you. How would you feel if your partner stated that he may not want a
trinogamous relationship, but that he can't say that he would never say he would want one?
Sincerely,
Mister M
The conversation was basically about a couple that he has known and has been there for him on his ups and downs in his past relationships. I had come to notice some things about this certain couple when I would be on Facebook. I didn't think much of it at first, but it started to dawn on me that the couple had taken on a third into the relationship. I am not one to judge on what you want to do in your relationship. Some like to have that relationship which I come to find out it is called a trinogamous. Well my partner came home one day after work as usual and advised me of the couples change in relationship status. My partner advised me previously that they have been having issues in trust so that is why they opened their relationship and added one more. I told him that I somewhat knew, but was not sure 100%. The whole time he was tell me his facial expressions where daunting to me. I quickly went to go on to tell him that I would never do such a thing in a relationship or want that in a relationship in any shape or form. To my surprise my partner had stated that he can not say, never, because who knows down the line it may happen. Right then and there I felt as though I had been sucker punched in the stomach. It was hard for me to finish eating the dinner I had made that night. Throughout the night I wondered how long since he has found out of his friends new found love in a trinogamous relationship did he start to think that maybe down the line he would want one as well? I have and always think of myself as a one man only relationship. It should be enough that 2 people are in the same relationship with each other and not have to think of bringing in a third. I mean really??? If that is the case why not stay single and live the stereotyped name of what everyone one has said about gay men? I don't know I don't want that in my life. I want that happiness that comes from being with one person and ONE PERSON ONLY.
So my question goes out to you. How would you feel if your partner stated that he may not want a
trinogamous relationship, but that he can't say that he would never say he would want one?
"Not for me"
Sincerely,
Mister M
Monday, June 24, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 5
So the web was down today so all I could do was write this
up on MS Word for now till I am able to post it on my blog. But I did get to thinking about a lot of
things while the internet was down for repair.
I figured that I am not happy with myself and the way I have been
acting. I use to be a happy positive
Latino that loved all sorts of things in life.
Most of the things I noticed that I loved was the outdoors. And ever since I moved to a new state I have
not really gone out into this world to explore it. I can’t even really say that I have dipped my
big toe into it (laughing). I am in my
late 30’s and have been asked many of times if I am in my late to early 30’s. This always makes me smile. I mean, come on…if you got compliments like
that and you know your real age you can’t help but not to smile. I take care of my body as much as possible
and try not to stress about the little things in life. Right now I am trying to look for a different
career that I have been doing for way to long.
I mean I love what I am doing, but I feel that its only 50% of what I
can actually do. So I am hoping to try
to go further more into my career so I can do that other 50% and make it 100%
So far I have seen that my blogs have been viewed but I have not yet received any comments on any of the post that I have posted. Which makes me think....are they just being glanced over or are they really being read. Well I don't really have much to say today.
But if you have any questions in regards to any of my post. Please let me know and I will answer them to the best that I can. Thanks again for reading my blog.
Sincerely,
Mister M
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Lost Gay Love Part 4
So I went over to my partner ex's for dinner and drinks. Now I don't mind the whole thing that they had a past together. Its funny though that the ex would mention there pet dog that they had when they were together. I will admit that it did bug me a little due to he went with flow. I participated through the night, we had a few drinks which lead everyone know that leads to loose tongues in some more so than others.
So in this part of the evening the conversation of couples and the amount of time together when with your partner. The other part of the conversation that came up was about marriage. BINGO. Lets talk I thought to myself. So from the conversation both my partner and the ex seem to agree on the fact that weddings are a waste of time. My partner took the time to point a finger at me to his ex and make it known that I want a wedding. And that due to the state that we are in that its is not possible to get married due to the law has not passed in this state. Understandable, but it does not mean that both can not go to another state and get married and come back to do a ceremony of unions in front of friends and loved ones.
Now with what was said and done, I figure that what I want is not being taken in to consideration, but he wants what he wants in life with my assistance. The next thing on the list to find out about is adoption which I am starting the process in the next month, which is just a week away. This is something I am looking forward to. I am on the fence and I can see my leg going over to the other side to start anew.
Sincerely,
Mister M
So in this part of the evening the conversation of couples and the amount of time together when with your partner. The other part of the conversation that came up was about marriage. BINGO. Lets talk I thought to myself. So from the conversation both my partner and the ex seem to agree on the fact that weddings are a waste of time. My partner took the time to point a finger at me to his ex and make it known that I want a wedding. And that due to the state that we are in that its is not possible to get married due to the law has not passed in this state. Understandable, but it does not mean that both can not go to another state and get married and come back to do a ceremony of unions in front of friends and loved ones.
Now with what was said and done, I figure that what I want is not being taken in to consideration, but he wants what he wants in life with my assistance. The next thing on the list to find out about is adoption which I am starting the process in the next month, which is just a week away. This is something I am looking forward to. I am on the fence and I can see my leg going over to the other side to start anew.
Sincerely,
Mister M
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